Am I feeling alright?

To be honest - no. I've been in a funk for months now. Things just haven't been right since the middle of November '04. I've been lost in my thoughts trying to make sense of my crazy life. There are so many things I just can't reconcile as I look at my past and my present and how they will affect my future. I generally like to understand what's going. When I can't make sense of things, I get a bit frustrated.

Silently, I have been comtemplating two things:
The first issue was a question posed by a guest minister speaking at my church. Do you live in mindset of scarcity? Or, a mindset of abundance? Using Mark 6:30-44, he painted a picture where the disciples represented a scarcity mindset and Jesus represented an abundance mindset. He explained that a scarcity mindset denotes someone that feels they have so very little resource (time, money, food, love, compassion, etc.) left that they hoard it fearing that once the resource is depleted it won't be replenished. Whereas, somoeone with an abundance mindset will share the last of their resource because a) they know it will be a blessing to someone else in need and b) they understand that God will replenish what has been released and c) they trust that God will work supernaturally to meet the giver and receiver's need.

I was blown away as I sat in service realizing how many things I had been hoarding. Suddenly, I didn't feel as justified with some of the choices I had made for the reason, "I just don't have enough ____ to do this or that." That feeling of conviction gave way to a feeling of despair as I had ask myself the question, "Do I really trust God?" Moreover, "Do I really believe that He wants to bless me abundantly?" I really thought I had answered those questions recently and not so recently but here they were again. I knew at that moment I was a hoarder and hadn't made many decisions based on the belief that God would supply my every need. I'd been giving lip service to the idea of God supplying my needs, hoping and praying it happened, but in reality I was living by plan B, rationing things around and mapping out my future in case God didn't replenish my resource(s).

How did I get here? Has the enemy been attacking my mind? I could easily say that. In fact, I'd love to say that the enemy did a job on me. A friend of mine recommended I read Battle of the Mind by Joyce Meyer - great book. However, I don't think it is the enemy. I really think it's me. I have had numerous setbacks in life that have made me question God's plan for me, God's love for me. Like most people, I can remember every painful event but have a hard time recalling the great stuff. Why is that?

The second issue was a remark made by a buddy well versed in my trials and tribulations who said, "Man, all this stuff you've been through will be worth it when you receive the blessings God has for you." "You think so?" I thought at first. Instantly, my mind got to turning when he said that. After a much thought though, I figured, "He's crazy. I can't even imagine a blessing so great that it could make this journey worth it." I was a bit paralyzed as I recalled all the losses in my life. There have been so many. I don't know if I'll ever get over the pain of a few of my losses. Dang!

Days and weeks later I still hear the question, "Will the blessing be worth it?" And the thought that comes to mind, "How could it be?" I've asked several people their thoughts and I've only gotten one response that has touched me, "I wouldn't want to relive those hard times in my life. I am still troubled by a few of my own losses. However, I understand now as I walk in the fulfillment of God's promises why I needed to experience those hardships. They shaped me and prepared me to be responsible enough to handle HIS blessing for me." As amazing a testimony as that is, I still find myself thinking I'll only be content that the struggle is over and not necessarily moved to a place of overwhelming joy by the enormity of the blessing. What am I missing? How did I get here? Why am I so jaded? And numb?

All those questions and answers lead to more questions which lead me to ponder the thought, "Do I really trust where God is leading me?" Moreover, "Is he leading me to place of happiness where the desires of my heart are satisfied?" I don't know if any of you have seen the movie Bedazzled but I feel like Brendan Fraser's character. Thus far, every great thing I've experienced in life has had some kind of heartwrenching or should I say painful twist associated with it.

I really don't know how to move to a point of completely trusting God. I have so much more to say but I'll stop here.