Uneventful

I think I experienced the most low key, uneventful birthday of my life. I didn't take in a movie. I didn't go to lunch or dinner. I didn't do anything special. I spent most of the day bargain shopping for computer and camcorder accessories. After several hours of price comparisions I finally bought RAM and a firewire pci card; and installing both on my computer was the highlight of the day. Ho hum! It sure doesn't seem like I had a birthday. Considering I didn't plan a dinner or something I guess the day was exactly what I wanted the day to be - uneventful. I don't know. I doubt I'll look back on this birthday, in years to come, and be able to recall anything memorable about this day. After I've had a few days to process it, I'll be able to decide whether or not uneventful birthdays are a good thing or bad thing for me.

Happy Holidays

Wishing everyone a Happy Holiday!

Snapshots

Main Entry: snap·shot
Pronunciation: 'snap-"shät
Function: noun
1 : a casual photograph made typically by an amateur with a small handheld camera
2 : an impression or view of something brief or transitory snapshot of life back then


Ever have those moments when a distant memory sneaks up on you out of nowhere? I've been having a lot of them lately.

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“He’s in shock” my grandmother said into the phone receiver cradled in her ear. I stared blankly at the wall while lying on my side with my back facing to Granny. I listened to her to carry on over the phone expressing her grief, remorse and concern.

Granny and I were never really that close. With the unexpected and untimely death of my mother she had taken it upon herself to become my guardian. I knew immediately that it would never work. Her being my guardian that is. I wouldn't let it work. No! Never! Not in a million years. I would never allow that woman to “care” for me. Not after the way she had treated my mother.

You see Granny had favorite children and favorite grandchildren and it affected her interpersonal relationships with all involved parties. Her favored children were never required to give her much of anything - help, gifts, money - while the other children were expected to give their last drop of blood if she deemed it useful and necessary to her survival. Granny never made the other children feel appreciated for their efforts; and that's where the disconnect existed between Granny and my mother. My mother was seeking unconditional love and appreciation from her mother; but Granny never expressed it. At least not in a tangible way that my mother understood. I know they had conversations about it but there were still lingering doubts. My mother died wondering if her mother truly loved her and I hated Granny for it.

"I don't know what I'm going to do. Ethel was the only one that ever did anything for me" Granny said as she sobbed into the phone. Listening to those words infuriated me. I wanted to stand up and scream from the top of my lungs "You got a lot of nerve woman. She died thinking you didn't appreciate anything she tried to do for you and now you want to tell the world she was the only one that did anything for you? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! How you could do that to my mother?" I had heard enough. I had to get away from her. I grabbed my pillow and my blanket and walked to my cousin's room. I hoped the distance would help drown out the sound of my grandmother's voice.

“He’s not saying much. He’s not saying anything at all!” she said sadly into the phone. I could still hear her through the walls and the sound of her voice was sickening. I couldn’t take much more of it. The wound was much too fresh. Just five hours before I had listened to an ER doctor tell me that my mother had died. What are you supposed to say after you’ve heard something so tragic at the age of 17? Of course I wasn’t saying much.

I laid there in my cousin's room plotting what to do to get rid of Granny. She's got to go I told myself over and over again before slumber took over.

13 seconds of glory

My fleeting moment on H.ow I Met Yo.ur Mo.th.er! Click here

Not Around Here

A question of reconciliation, if you will, was posed to me this weekend by a friend of mine. "If a former friend was in the hospital dying from a terminal illness would you go to them to make peace and reconcile your relationship?" Me being me instinctively grimaced and barked out sarcastically "hellllllllll naw!" The friend who posed the question immediately started howling with laughter then said "SHAAAAWN? Are you serious? You wouldn't want to make peace or something?" I thought about that question for a second, if that long. "Umm...no. I don't believe in that shit. That's some BS! If former friend and I couldn't reconcile while we were both healthy and in our right minds then what's the use? That's some fake BS running to someone's bedside for a makeup conversation or whatever when think they're about to die." Knowing that my friend had a particular former friend of mine in mind when she posed the question I added, "and I'm definitely not going if we stopped being friends because they wronged me. That is out of the question."

She seemed geniunely surprised by my response. In fact, she kept repeated "I can't believe it. I can't believe it."

I don't know why she was so surprised. She knows I don't think like everyone else. Further, she knows that I take the bond of friendship very seriously. Once you have violated that bond, it's a wrap. You're dead to me. It's settled very quickly in my heart and mind.

"Believe it!" I said