To be honest - no. I've been in a funk for months now. Things just haven't been right since the middle of November '04. I've been lost in my thoughts trying to make sense of my crazy life. There are so many things I just can't reconcile as I look at my past and my present and how they will affect my future. I generally like to understand what's going. When I can't make sense of things, I get a bit frustrated.
Silently, I have been comtemplating two things:
The first issue was a question posed by a guest minister speaking at my church. Do you live in mindset of scarcity? Or, a mindset of abundance? Using Mark 6:30-44, he painted a picture where the disciples represented a scarcity mindset and Jesus represented an abundance mindset. He explained that a scarcity mindset denotes someone that feels they have so very little resource (time, money, food, love, compassion, etc.) left that they hoard it fearing that once the resource is depleted it won't be replenished. Whereas, somoeone with an abundance mindset will share the last of their resource because a) they know it will be a blessing to someone else in need and b) they understand that God will replenish what has been released and c) they trust that God will work supernaturally to meet the giver and receiver's need.
I was blown away as I sat in service realizing how many things I had been hoarding. Suddenly, I didn't feel as justified with some of the choices I had made for the reason, "I just don't have enough ____ to do this or that." That feeling of conviction gave way to a feeling of despair as I had ask myself the question, "Do I really trust God?" Moreover, "Do I really believe that He wants to bless me abundantly?" I really thought I had answered those questions recently and not so recently but here they were again. I knew at that moment I was a hoarder and hadn't made many decisions based on the belief that God would supply my every need. I'd been giving lip service to the idea of God supplying my needs, hoping and praying it happened, but in reality I was living by plan B, rationing things around and mapping out my future in case God didn't replenish my resource(s).
How did I get here? Has the enemy been attacking my mind? I could easily say that. In fact, I'd love to say that the enemy did a job on me. A friend of mine recommended I read Battle of the Mind by Joyce Meyer - great book. However, I don't think it is the enemy. I really think it's me. I have had numerous setbacks in life that have made me question God's plan for me, God's love for me. Like most people, I can remember every painful event but have a hard time recalling the great stuff. Why is that?
The second issue was a remark made by a buddy well versed in my trials and tribulations who said, "Man, all this stuff you've been through will be worth it when you receive the blessings God has for you." "You think so?" I thought at first. Instantly, my mind got to turning when he said that. After a much thought though, I figured, "He's crazy. I can't even imagine a blessing so great that it could make this journey worth it." I was a bit paralyzed as I recalled all the losses in my life. There have been so many. I don't know if I'll ever get over the pain of a few of my losses. Dang!
Days and weeks later I still hear the question, "Will the blessing be worth it?" And the thought that comes to mind, "How could it be?" I've asked several people their thoughts and I've only gotten one response that has touched me, "I wouldn't want to relive those hard times in my life. I am still troubled by a few of my own losses. However, I understand now as I walk in the fulfillment of God's promises why I needed to experience those hardships. They shaped me and prepared me to be responsible enough to handle HIS blessing for me." As amazing a testimony as that is, I still find myself thinking I'll only be content that the struggle is over and not necessarily moved to a place of overwhelming joy by the enormity of the blessing. What am I missing? How did I get here? Why am I so jaded? And numb?
All those questions and answers lead to more questions which lead me to ponder the thought, "Do I really trust where God is leading me?" Moreover, "Is he leading me to place of happiness where the desires of my heart are satisfied?" I don't know if any of you have seen the movie Bedazzled but I feel like Brendan Fraser's character. Thus far, every great thing I've experienced in life has had some kind of heartwrenching or should I say painful twist associated with it.
I really don't know how to move to a point of completely trusting God. I have so much more to say but I'll stop here.
Tuesday, February 15
Thursday, January 20
The Apprentice is back
I was thoroughly disappointed in The Apprentice 2. I watched entire season of TA2 waiting for it to get better but it never happened. I will try to remain true to my word - if TA3 is lacking in appeal, I won't waste my time watching the entire season.
You know, the Donald's comb-over, pursed, chapped lips and his need to say, "Such and such is a BILLION dollar industry. They made over X amount BILLIONS last year," is starting to irk me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm!! I don't know about this new version of Apprentice. However, I am intrigued enough to watch another week.
What's going on with Danny? http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Apprentice_3/candidates/danny.shtml He's a walking train wreck. They need to get him out of there as soon as possible. I don't think he's mentally stable. He's definitely on the verge of mental breakdown.
I suspect there's story waiting to emerge from Erin http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Apprentice_3/candidates/erin.shtml or is that Ashlee Simpson. What's up with the crying before the boardroom? I wonder!
Anyway, we'll see what unfolds next week.
You know, the Donald's comb-over, pursed, chapped lips and his need to say, "Such and such is a BILLION dollar industry. They made over X amount BILLIONS last year," is starting to irk me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm!! I don't know about this new version of Apprentice. However, I am intrigued enough to watch another week.
What's going on with Danny? http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Apprentice_3/candidates/danny.shtml He's a walking train wreck. They need to get him out of there as soon as possible. I don't think he's mentally stable. He's definitely on the verge of mental breakdown.
I suspect there's story waiting to emerge from Erin http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Apprentice_3/candidates/erin.shtml or is that Ashlee Simpson. What's up with the crying before the boardroom? I wonder!
Anyway, we'll see what unfolds next week.
"Wow," is all I could say
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=492&e=6&u=/ap/brf_actor_killed
Someone emailed this link to me this morning. Wow! Lamont was a cool dude. I am definitely sorry his time had come. I really enjoyed his work. I didn't know him well but whenever we crossed paths we always acknowledged one another and wished each other well.
Why is it a that death makes us so reflective?
I know we can 'go' at any time but doesn't it freak you out when someone dies that is the same age as you are, and works in the same field? Am I the only one who thinks, "That could have been me?" Wow! I know I'll be in deep thought throughout the day.
Someone emailed this link to me this morning. Wow! Lamont was a cool dude. I am definitely sorry his time had come. I really enjoyed his work. I didn't know him well but whenever we crossed paths we always acknowledged one another and wished each other well.
Why is it a that death makes us so reflective?
I know we can 'go' at any time but doesn't it freak you out when someone dies that is the same age as you are, and works in the same field? Am I the only one who thinks, "That could have been me?" Wow! I know I'll be in deep thought throughout the day.
Wednesday, January 19
Aussie Open
ESPN2 begins it's Aussie Open coverage @ 6:30 PM tonight. They have the Lleyton Hewitt vs James Blake match listed as being covered along with Venus Williams and Lindsay Davenport.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am so very disappointed in James Blake he lost his mind then lost the match. When the match began Blake was on fire. He played very aggressive controlled tennis to make his presence felt on the court. His attitude, tenacity and precision paid off as he won the first set very quickly. (For those who don't know, at the Majors, men play the best of five sets.) It was obvious Lleyton Hewitt and the Australian crowd (Hewitt's from Australia) were in a state of shock. Hewitt's never lost to Blake, Blake had just returned to the tour and didn't have much match play, Hewitt had bulked up some in the off season so he wouldn't be pushed around on the court so much yet Blake was in complete control of the match and there was little Hewitt could do about it.
In the second set, Blake continued his dominance over Hewitt and served for the set at 6-5. He wasn't able to hold his serve as he seemed to wilt under the pressure that Hewitt was now imposing on his game. Thus, the two players would have to play a tiebreaker to determine the winnner of the second set. Again, Blake was on fire. He was serving incredibly well in the tiebreaker and he was pushing Hewitt around again with his powerful forehand. After trading points, Blake set himself up with a set point on Hewitt's second serve, which Blake had been taking advantage of all match. Hewitt serves a weak second serve and Blake dumps the ball into the net. "Oh no! What are you thinking? Don't get tentative now," I thought. Hewitt got really pumped up after Blake let him off the hook and the momentum seem to swing at that moment. Blake became increasingly annoyed, he even tauted Hewitt after he'd won a point by imitating one Hewitt's trademark celebratory moves. Hewitt in turn took his game into higher gear and accurately countered every stroke Blake threw at him with something better. There were two points in particular that Blake could and should have won following the missed return of serve on his first set point. Those two points would have given him the second set. However, he stopped focusing on his tennis and started trying to show Hewitt up and his plan backfired. During the last point of the tiebreaker, Hewitt scrambled to return a couple of powerful strokes by Blake. When Hewitt got Blake out of position, he went for his kill shot ( I believe it was a angled cross court drop shot), Blake scrambled to get to the ball but he was a half step short so he lunged in desperation to hit the ball, fell on to the concrete and hurt his hand.
From that point on, Blake was never the same. He lost the third set 6-0 (read six love). He didn't win a single game. Talk about not showing any heart. Throughout the rest of the match you saw Blake squeezing his newly injured right hand as if to say, "I am hurting, I am in pain." Truth be told, his psyche was hurting a lot more than that damn hand.
Blake regrouped enough to put up some resistance during the fourth set. By then, however, the writing was on the wall. Blake's fire was extinquished by Hewitt: 6-4, 6-7, 0-6, 2-6. God what a great opportunity Blake let slip through his fingers.
Watching Blake crash and burn, I started to wonder, why are are we our own worst enemy? Is it fear of failure, or fear of success that drives us to sabotage our own progress?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before James Blake's match, ESPN2 covered Lindsay Davenport and Venus Williams' matches.
Lindsay lost the first set of her match but she regrouped and swatted that other chick off the court in the next two sets.
Venus started her match poorly by losing her serve. She was not moving her feet and was over hitting her forehand (a recurring problem for her). "It's going to be a long one," I thought. Thankfully, Venus wasn't having it. She gathered herself quickly and started playing solid tennis. She won 6-1, 6-3 but her opponent, Shuai Peng, played really well. She was able to get Venus on the run a lot. If Peng would have been more experienced, she probably would have caused Venus many more problems. Alas, I'll take the victory anyway it comes for my girl. I must say, Venus' focus on court still continues to impress.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am so very disappointed in James Blake he lost his mind then lost the match. When the match began Blake was on fire. He played very aggressive controlled tennis to make his presence felt on the court. His attitude, tenacity and precision paid off as he won the first set very quickly. (For those who don't know, at the Majors, men play the best of five sets.) It was obvious Lleyton Hewitt and the Australian crowd (Hewitt's from Australia) were in a state of shock. Hewitt's never lost to Blake, Blake had just returned to the tour and didn't have much match play, Hewitt had bulked up some in the off season so he wouldn't be pushed around on the court so much yet Blake was in complete control of the match and there was little Hewitt could do about it.
In the second set, Blake continued his dominance over Hewitt and served for the set at 6-5. He wasn't able to hold his serve as he seemed to wilt under the pressure that Hewitt was now imposing on his game. Thus, the two players would have to play a tiebreaker to determine the winnner of the second set. Again, Blake was on fire. He was serving incredibly well in the tiebreaker and he was pushing Hewitt around again with his powerful forehand. After trading points, Blake set himself up with a set point on Hewitt's second serve, which Blake had been taking advantage of all match. Hewitt serves a weak second serve and Blake dumps the ball into the net. "Oh no! What are you thinking? Don't get tentative now," I thought. Hewitt got really pumped up after Blake let him off the hook and the momentum seem to swing at that moment. Blake became increasingly annoyed, he even tauted Hewitt after he'd won a point by imitating one Hewitt's trademark celebratory moves. Hewitt in turn took his game into higher gear and accurately countered every stroke Blake threw at him with something better. There were two points in particular that Blake could and should have won following the missed return of serve on his first set point. Those two points would have given him the second set. However, he stopped focusing on his tennis and started trying to show Hewitt up and his plan backfired. During the last point of the tiebreaker, Hewitt scrambled to return a couple of powerful strokes by Blake. When Hewitt got Blake out of position, he went for his kill shot ( I believe it was a angled cross court drop shot), Blake scrambled to get to the ball but he was a half step short so he lunged in desperation to hit the ball, fell on to the concrete and hurt his hand.
From that point on, Blake was never the same. He lost the third set 6-0 (read six love). He didn't win a single game. Talk about not showing any heart. Throughout the rest of the match you saw Blake squeezing his newly injured right hand as if to say, "I am hurting, I am in pain." Truth be told, his psyche was hurting a lot more than that damn hand.
Blake regrouped enough to put up some resistance during the fourth set. By then, however, the writing was on the wall. Blake's fire was extinquished by Hewitt: 6-4, 6-7, 0-6, 2-6. God what a great opportunity Blake let slip through his fingers.
Watching Blake crash and burn, I started to wonder, why are are we our own worst enemy? Is it fear of failure, or fear of success that drives us to sabotage our own progress?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before James Blake's match, ESPN2 covered Lindsay Davenport and Venus Williams' matches.
Lindsay lost the first set of her match but she regrouped and swatted that other chick off the court in the next two sets.
Venus started her match poorly by losing her serve. She was not moving her feet and was over hitting her forehand (a recurring problem for her). "It's going to be a long one," I thought. Thankfully, Venus wasn't having it. She gathered herself quickly and started playing solid tennis. She won 6-1, 6-3 but her opponent, Shuai Peng, played really well. She was able to get Venus on the run a lot. If Peng would have been more experienced, she probably would have caused Venus many more problems. Alas, I'll take the victory anyway it comes for my girl. I must say, Venus' focus on court still continues to impress.
The Village
Has anyone seen the movie The Village? Boy am I disappointed. I just hate it when I am sucked in to watching a film by a very good movie trailer only to discover that the film isn't any good. The Village was so silly, IMO, I can't believe I almost rushed out to see it at the theaters. Whew! Thank God laziness got the better of me.
Since we are on the subject of movies, I highly recommend Friday Night Lights. I had a feeling I'd like the movie but it exceeded my expecatations. It's a based on a true story. What I liked most was they didn't try to over dramatize the story. I definitely suggest you add it to the DVD collection.
I would like to thank Keara, Lynn and Julian for persuading me to watch American Idol last evening. There wasn't much I laughed at during show. However, for those who watched, Mary Roach aka The Possessed One, her segment made watching the show worthwhile. Why was she wearing the same outfit Shaggy wears in Scooby Doo?
I am a big tennis fanactic, if you didn't know. And the first major tennis tournament of the year, The Australian Open http://www.australianopen.org , kicked off Sunday afternoon.
FYI, there's a pretty talented black male player named James Blake. He had a few injuries last year that sidelined him and he's just returning to the ATP tour this year. If ESPN cooperates, you guys should check out his match against Lleyton Hewitt. I'll post the match time if he's fortunate enough to get any screen time.
I had to stay up until 12:30 am Tuesday morning to watch my girl Venus play her first match. She was so focused. She had the match under control then kinda fell apart for a few games. She was serving for the match when things got a little sticky. Her opponent finally decided to play some quality tennis and Venus missed a few makeable shots. When Venus got to match point I thought, "Whew, glad it's almost over." Well, lo and behold, her opponent Eleni Danillidou of Greece really step it up and Venus was broken. ESPN2 lost their feed as Venus lost her serve. AAAGGGG! Oh no! It's 1:30 am and I don't know what's going with my girl. Five minutes to 10 minutes passed before ESPN2 fnally came back online. However, it was a replay of the Agassi's match. Thankfully, they posted a webcrawl stating the scoreline for Venus' match. She went on to win the match by winning the next two games. Finally at peace, I went to bed. Tuesday afternoon they replayed Venus' match and I was very impressed with the way she pulled herself together after losing her serve while serving for the match. She step her play up considerably. Her forehand is always the shot that goes off so players attack that shot. In those next two games, she corrected her forehand technique and smack the ball all around the court.
Don't forget to watch American Idol tonight!
Since we are on the subject of movies, I highly recommend Friday Night Lights. I had a feeling I'd like the movie but it exceeded my expecatations. It's a based on a true story. What I liked most was they didn't try to over dramatize the story. I definitely suggest you add it to the DVD collection.
I would like to thank Keara, Lynn and Julian for persuading me to watch American Idol last evening. There wasn't much I laughed at during show. However, for those who watched, Mary Roach aka The Possessed One, her segment made watching the show worthwhile. Why was she wearing the same outfit Shaggy wears in Scooby Doo?
I am a big tennis fanactic, if you didn't know. And the first major tennis tournament of the year, The Australian Open http://www.australianopen.org , kicked off Sunday afternoon.
FYI, there's a pretty talented black male player named James Blake. He had a few injuries last year that sidelined him and he's just returning to the ATP tour this year. If ESPN cooperates, you guys should check out his match against Lleyton Hewitt. I'll post the match time if he's fortunate enough to get any screen time.
I had to stay up until 12:30 am Tuesday morning to watch my girl Venus play her first match. She was so focused. She had the match under control then kinda fell apart for a few games. She was serving for the match when things got a little sticky. Her opponent finally decided to play some quality tennis and Venus missed a few makeable shots. When Venus got to match point I thought, "Whew, glad it's almost over." Well, lo and behold, her opponent Eleni Danillidou of Greece really step it up and Venus was broken. ESPN2 lost their feed as Venus lost her serve. AAAGGGG! Oh no! It's 1:30 am and I don't know what's going with my girl. Five minutes to 10 minutes passed before ESPN2 fnally came back online. However, it was a replay of the Agassi's match. Thankfully, they posted a webcrawl stating the scoreline for Venus' match. She went on to win the match by winning the next two games. Finally at peace, I went to bed. Tuesday afternoon they replayed Venus' match and I was very impressed with the way she pulled herself together after losing her serve while serving for the match. She step her play up considerably. Her forehand is always the shot that goes off so players attack that shot. In those next two games, she corrected her forehand technique and smack the ball all around the court.
Don't forget to watch American Idol tonight!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
