Uh oh! I did 'it' again. Yesterday I phoned in (half hearted attempt) another audition. That's twice in a week's time. You know, I hate when I do that. What's the point of putting on my clothes, driving 35 minutes or more, waiting 15 minutes or more in the waiting area and studying my lines if I am not going to give it everything I've got during the audition? Doesn't make any sense to go through all the trouble if all I can muster is a lackluster performance when auditioning right?
It's time for serious changes. Yesterday's performance is a true indicator of how dazed and confused my mind is currently. This is classic - at home all I think about is when's the next audition? but in the waiting room all I think about is God, why am I here? Why am I being tortured this way? I really hate audtioning - make that really, really, really, really hate auditioning...but it is the means to the end of what I want.
Normally, I can get over myself long enough to give my personal best. Even when I don't get a part, I want to feel good about my performance in the audition. There's nothing worst then leaving the audition room knowing your've blown it. On the long walk back to the car I rehearse and analyze eveything that went well during the audition, which usually isn't much, and everything that went wrong. Then I start berating myself for coming up short which can last for mintues or sometimes hours. Yesterday, I must have been sleepwalking because I don't remember much of what happened during the audition except for one producer's comment as I was leaving "you have a great voice." Gee thanks! That's not what I want to hear, what about my acting? Sigh! But I guess it's better than the usual kiss of death send-off Thanks for coming in! That expression alone has ruined the day of many an actor. Your heart sinks everytime you hear those words. Sigh! Scream! Cry!
Serious changes are in order. I can't keep sabotaging my own progress. Either I am all in or all out - sleepwalking is getting me nowhere. I am starting to think maybe it's time to pack up shop? Hey, maybe I already have packed up shop?
1 comment:
Hey Shawn! I'm feeling your pain right now. Acting is still your passion, isnt it? Maybe you just need to be inspired. I sing & song write and often with these artistic careers we tend to get our self-worth intertwined with our craft/passion.
When I'm feeling low I like to go see an awesome performer. It usually motivates me to give more.
At the risk of being waaay to wordy, maybe this is just a season that will soon pass? The fact that you're making any effort at all to audition tells me you still have the passion for it. Dont give up if you're really not ready to. You'll be left feeling unfulfilled with the "what if" factor resonating in your head.
Blessings to you my friend!
Lambchop~
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