Dread...Anxiety...Nausea...These aren't the feelings that normally surface when I am getting ready for an audition. I am absolutely paralyzed with disgust as I sit here reading this material. What do they expect ME to do with this stuff? This material is dry (lacking humor) and bad (poorly executed). I thought I would feel differently this morning; thought I would be able to give it the old college try but alas I just can't do it (make myself study these lines and prepare to give a killer audition).
It doesn't help that I am not enthused about the project - ladies and gentlemen, Mr. 106 & Park is getting his own sitcom *shaking head!
I guess the real issue is I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. If I don't go to this audition, I lose out on potential work. However, if I go but give a bad audition I lose credibility. AArrrrgghhhhhh!!!
Where is my red 'easy button?' Shoot, I can't find it. Did I let Kenyatta borrow it? I better call her and inquire.
Oh well, I guess I'm gon' continue to sit here with my bottom lip stuck out waiting for my manager to call me back. I'm hoping she says something motivational or inspirational that will compel me to go to this audition. However, I won't be mad at all if she says I shouldn't force myself to go.
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Me and my attitude sat for 5 hours before Manager called. Sigh! As I figured, she gave me the extra motivation I needed to get the gears in motion; she appealed to my ego. I know you hate the material but don't worry Shawn, you'll be great. You are naturally funny. You're thinking too much; Go in and have a good time. If you're not right for the part, so be it. I tried to put up a little resistance. However, when she put it like that, how much could I argue?
I'll let you know how the audition went.
Wednesday, March 23
Saturday, March 19
No You Didn't...
just call my house and tell me that you felt impressed in your spirit to share with me that it's not cool that I play that 'gay' role!!!!! Hmmmph! Good thing I was seated when you called. I wonder...when you were petitioning God on my behalf and happened upon my error did you ask God a) what role(s) I should take instead [of the 'gay' role]? and b) did you ask him for list of acceptable 'roles' for me [or any christian actor] to portray? I sure hope this isn't about you being uncomfortable with homosexuality. I mean, is it ok if I play a drug dealer; adulterer; divorced spouse; cheater; gambler; liar; murderer; thief...?
Give me a call when you get that list. Thanks!
Give me a call when you get that list. Thanks!
Tuesday, March 15
Sleepwalking
Uh oh! I did 'it' again. Yesterday I phoned in (half hearted attempt) another audition. That's twice in a week's time. You know, I hate when I do that. What's the point of putting on my clothes, driving 35 minutes or more, waiting 15 minutes or more in the waiting area and studying my lines if I am not going to give it everything I've got during the audition? Doesn't make any sense to go through all the trouble if all I can muster is a lackluster performance when auditioning right?
It's time for serious changes. Yesterday's performance is a true indicator of how dazed and confused my mind is currently. This is classic - at home all I think about is when's the next audition? but in the waiting room all I think about is God, why am I here? Why am I being tortured this way? I really hate audtioning - make that really, really, really, really hate auditioning...but it is the means to the end of what I want.
Normally, I can get over myself long enough to give my personal best. Even when I don't get a part, I want to feel good about my performance in the audition. There's nothing worst then leaving the audition room knowing your've blown it. On the long walk back to the car I rehearse and analyze eveything that went well during the audition, which usually isn't much, and everything that went wrong. Then I start berating myself for coming up short which can last for mintues or sometimes hours. Yesterday, I must have been sleepwalking because I don't remember much of what happened during the audition except for one producer's comment as I was leaving "you have a great voice." Gee thanks! That's not what I want to hear, what about my acting? Sigh! But I guess it's better than the usual kiss of death send-off Thanks for coming in! That expression alone has ruined the day of many an actor. Your heart sinks everytime you hear those words. Sigh! Scream! Cry!
Serious changes are in order. I can't keep sabotaging my own progress. Either I am all in or all out - sleepwalking is getting me nowhere. I am starting to think maybe it's time to pack up shop? Hey, maybe I already have packed up shop?
It's time for serious changes. Yesterday's performance is a true indicator of how dazed and confused my mind is currently. This is classic - at home all I think about is when's the next audition? but in the waiting room all I think about is God, why am I here? Why am I being tortured this way? I really hate audtioning - make that really, really, really, really hate auditioning...but it is the means to the end of what I want.
Normally, I can get over myself long enough to give my personal best. Even when I don't get a part, I want to feel good about my performance in the audition. There's nothing worst then leaving the audition room knowing your've blown it. On the long walk back to the car I rehearse and analyze eveything that went well during the audition, which usually isn't much, and everything that went wrong. Then I start berating myself for coming up short which can last for mintues or sometimes hours. Yesterday, I must have been sleepwalking because I don't remember much of what happened during the audition except for one producer's comment as I was leaving "you have a great voice." Gee thanks! That's not what I want to hear, what about my acting? Sigh! But I guess it's better than the usual kiss of death send-off Thanks for coming in! That expression alone has ruined the day of many an actor. Your heart sinks everytime you hear those words. Sigh! Scream! Cry!
Serious changes are in order. I can't keep sabotaging my own progress. Either I am all in or all out - sleepwalking is getting me nowhere. I am starting to think maybe it's time to pack up shop? Hey, maybe I already have packed up shop?
Sunday, March 13
Closed Throat
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
13 But I pray to you, O LORD ,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.
19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.
20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
- Ps 69:1-3,5,13,19-20,29-31 - NIV
23 He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me,
and he prepares the way
so that I may show him the salvation of God.
[Prepares the way to deliverance]
- Ps 50:23 - NIV
Monday morning I received a phone call from a friend asking to pray with me. "I woke up with you on my mind so I called to see what's going on and to ask to pray with you." How nice I thought. "I am worn down; I am worn out. I can't pray." "You aren't giving up?" "I think so." "You can't. Do you know how much God has for you? He showed me things about you. Why do you think he showed me all of those wonderful things about you?" "I don't know. But I am tired." "Let's pray. Let's just praise God." "I can't. I don't have the words." "God has not forsaken you. I want you to know that. You don't think that do you?" "Who knows? But I am too tired to figure it out anymore." "I am going to pray for you as soon as we hang up. Don't give up." "I appreciate you calling man. "
While on the phone Tuesday evening, I happen to turn my tv to TBN and I caught a glimpse of Donnie who was chatting with Dorinda. I don't normally watch TBN but for whatever reason I felt compelled to check their schedule that night. I was only half listening but I am sure I heard Dorinda admonishing everyone on 'not giving up,' or 'throw in the towel.' Further, she encouraged everyone to stand firm in their faith. I chuckled and told my evening caller Dorinda was talking to me.
Friday evening a friend calls and tells me to turn on Joel Osteen's Ministry on TBN. Again, I was half listening but managed to hear him say something to the effect of, "Stand strong in your faith; You're always hit hardest by the enemy right before God blesses." I chuckled inside and thought 'how many times have I heard that? Gee, how simple it is to stand when everything is falling down around you.'
Saturday evening I decided to attend church - it'd been a few weeks - and the message was Bringing God Pleasure. My pastor referenced the aforementioned verses in Psalms. He then explained that God delights in hearing his children praise him during their midnight hour. And more importantly, that praise is the pathway to deliverance. He shared a story about how a former member diagnosed with a severe, debilitating lung condition was miraculously healed while praising God during one of the church's services.
So I guess I am 1) not supposed to give up 2) to understand that the blessing is near (that's why there's so many hardships in my life) 3) to Praise God during the hardships - maybe even more than usual.
Well, if I am not strong enough to stand on my own anymore and my throat feels closed when I open my mouth to pray, what am I to do? Is there hope for me?
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
13 But I pray to you, O LORD ,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.
19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.
20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
- Ps 69:1-3,5,13,19-20,29-31 - NIV
23 He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me,
and he prepares the way
so that I may show him the salvation of God.
[Prepares the way to deliverance]
- Ps 50:23 - NIV
Monday morning I received a phone call from a friend asking to pray with me. "I woke up with you on my mind so I called to see what's going on and to ask to pray with you." How nice I thought. "I am worn down; I am worn out. I can't pray." "You aren't giving up?" "I think so." "You can't. Do you know how much God has for you? He showed me things about you. Why do you think he showed me all of those wonderful things about you?" "I don't know. But I am tired." "Let's pray. Let's just praise God." "I can't. I don't have the words." "God has not forsaken you. I want you to know that. You don't think that do you?" "Who knows? But I am too tired to figure it out anymore." "I am going to pray for you as soon as we hang up. Don't give up." "I appreciate you calling man. "
While on the phone Tuesday evening, I happen to turn my tv to TBN and I caught a glimpse of Donnie who was chatting with Dorinda. I don't normally watch TBN but for whatever reason I felt compelled to check their schedule that night. I was only half listening but I am sure I heard Dorinda admonishing everyone on 'not giving up,' or 'throw in the towel.' Further, she encouraged everyone to stand firm in their faith. I chuckled and told my evening caller Dorinda was talking to me.
Friday evening a friend calls and tells me to turn on Joel Osteen's Ministry on TBN. Again, I was half listening but managed to hear him say something to the effect of, "Stand strong in your faith; You're always hit hardest by the enemy right before God blesses." I chuckled inside and thought 'how many times have I heard that? Gee, how simple it is to stand when everything is falling down around you.'
Saturday evening I decided to attend church - it'd been a few weeks - and the message was Bringing God Pleasure. My pastor referenced the aforementioned verses in Psalms. He then explained that God delights in hearing his children praise him during their midnight hour. And more importantly, that praise is the pathway to deliverance. He shared a story about how a former member diagnosed with a severe, debilitating lung condition was miraculously healed while praising God during one of the church's services.
So I guess I am 1) not supposed to give up 2) to understand that the blessing is near (that's why there's so many hardships in my life) 3) to Praise God during the hardships - maybe even more than usual.
Well, if I am not strong enough to stand on my own anymore and my throat feels closed when I open my mouth to pray, what am I to do? Is there hope for me?
Tuesday, March 1
Road Rage
"Move bitch, get out the way
Get out the way bitch, get out the way
Move bitch, get out the way
Get out the way bitch, get out the way."
Ludacris
I know YOU know i'm in a hurry and I desperately I am trying to maneuver around YOU. YOU seem to think this little game is fun. Well, not to me it isn't. See, I am anxious to get to where I am going. Where is that? None of your business. That's not the point here. Let's not get off topic - stay focused. If YOU could exercise a modicum of common courtesy, I wouldn't be so frustrated with YOU as I make my way through the mean streets of LA. Seriously, I am having demented dreams of bashing YOUR rear bumper just to drive the point home that YOU are in my way - Get Out The Way! Would it be too much for YOU to get out of the fast lane driving 60 mph? YOU are slowing me and every other like minded driver way, way, way down. We are busy people who don't want to spend our mornings, afternoons and evenings on the highways. We would actually like to fill our day with other activities. Woefully, the only thing standing in the way of accomplishing anything is YOU. It's always YOU. Let me be more clear. I always thinks it's best to give examples of questionable behavior that needs addressing.
YOU:
1) Drive 60 mph in the fast lane and refuse to give way to trailing drivers though their tailgating is an indicator that they would like to drive a bit faster - if they are like me, drive a lot faster. Who gets anywhere driving 60 mph?
2) Feel the need to examine every detail of an accident as you pass by the scene; often times braking and coming to a complete stop so that you can really see what's going; you even brake and examine accident scenes from the opposite side of the freeway - the latter I find most frustrating
3) Drive at exactly the same pace as the vehicle next to you thus trapping me and others behind you in your holding pattern for miles on end
4) Cut me off getting into my driving lane because the vehicle you were trailing was driving a bit too slow then you drive slowly in front of me and I actually have to brake and slow my pace...considerably
5) Refuse to keep up with the flow of traffic during rush hour traffic because you drive a manual shift and hate all that down shifting so you idle in 2nd gear for miles while cars in the lane next to us jump in front of you because you've left so much room between you and the car you are trailing
6) Slam on your brakes for no apparent reason when there's absolutely no traffic in front of you
7) Slow down to a speed that is considerably below the speed limit when you notice Mr. Highway Patrolmen ticketing a fellow driver off to the side of the highway - Buy a clue! He's busy writing a ticket, he's not concerned about you. KEEP IT MOVIN'!
I swear I want to hurt YOU sometimes. YOU have made my life on the highways a living hell. Lucky for YOU I don't want a record, to appear in court or worse spend time in jail. Thus, I am able to restrain myself from following through with my dream of physically moving YOU out of my way with the front bumper of my car.
Get out the way bitch, get out the way
Move bitch, get out the way
Get out the way bitch, get out the way."
Ludacris
I know YOU know i'm in a hurry and I desperately I am trying to maneuver around YOU. YOU seem to think this little game is fun. Well, not to me it isn't. See, I am anxious to get to where I am going. Where is that? None of your business. That's not the point here. Let's not get off topic - stay focused. If YOU could exercise a modicum of common courtesy, I wouldn't be so frustrated with YOU as I make my way through the mean streets of LA. Seriously, I am having demented dreams of bashing YOUR rear bumper just to drive the point home that YOU are in my way - Get Out The Way! Would it be too much for YOU to get out of the fast lane driving 60 mph? YOU are slowing me and every other like minded driver way, way, way down. We are busy people who don't want to spend our mornings, afternoons and evenings on the highways. We would actually like to fill our day with other activities. Woefully, the only thing standing in the way of accomplishing anything is YOU. It's always YOU. Let me be more clear. I always thinks it's best to give examples of questionable behavior that needs addressing.
YOU:
1) Drive 60 mph in the fast lane and refuse to give way to trailing drivers though their tailgating is an indicator that they would like to drive a bit faster - if they are like me, drive a lot faster. Who gets anywhere driving 60 mph?
2) Feel the need to examine every detail of an accident as you pass by the scene; often times braking and coming to a complete stop so that you can really see what's going; you even brake and examine accident scenes from the opposite side of the freeway - the latter I find most frustrating
3) Drive at exactly the same pace as the vehicle next to you thus trapping me and others behind you in your holding pattern for miles on end
4) Cut me off getting into my driving lane because the vehicle you were trailing was driving a bit too slow then you drive slowly in front of me and I actually have to brake and slow my pace...considerably
5) Refuse to keep up with the flow of traffic during rush hour traffic because you drive a manual shift and hate all that down shifting so you idle in 2nd gear for miles while cars in the lane next to us jump in front of you because you've left so much room between you and the car you are trailing
6) Slam on your brakes for no apparent reason when there's absolutely no traffic in front of you
7) Slow down to a speed that is considerably below the speed limit when you notice Mr. Highway Patrolmen ticketing a fellow driver off to the side of the highway - Buy a clue! He's busy writing a ticket, he's not concerned about you. KEEP IT MOVIN'!
I swear I want to hurt YOU sometimes. YOU have made my life on the highways a living hell. Lucky for YOU I don't want a record, to appear in court or worse spend time in jail. Thus, I am able to restrain myself from following through with my dream of physically moving YOU out of my way with the front bumper of my car.
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