It Hit Me Yesterday

I regret that I let certain setbacks and failures stop me from furthering my skills as a tap dancer.

A few weeks ago Rose posted an entry about regrets and asked people to share something they now have regrets about. At the time I couldn't think of anything. I knew I had more than a few regrettable things happen in my life but nothing jumped to forefront of my mind immediately. I'm a little too good at times at blocking painful experiences out of my head and it takes a while for me to remember some of my past. I think it's a blessing and curse to able to forget bad experiences. The blessing is that I am able to pick myself up rather quickly and move on with life. The curse is that I distance myself from anything that reminds of what I've gone threw.

When I was 10 years old I, along with 2 other actors - Bumper and Damon, were chosen to train for the T.ap Da.nce K.id. The producers of the NY show were set to re-cast the young kid's part because the current guy was rapidly outgrowing the part. There were also talks about T.ap Dan.ce Ki.d going on tour so they would need to cast for the touring company. It seemed a safe bet that all 3 of us would get something out of this deal. Two of us would probably get the lead part while the remaining person would probably get an understudy part.

As we all know, there are no safe bets. The way everything was supposed to play out was we'd train for the role and the NY producers would audition the 3 of us before they auditioned anyone else for the role. We were to learn all of the songs from the production and a majority of the dance routines so if we were chosen we wouldn't be overwhelmed by the amount of material that had to be known.

For ten months the 3 of us met up with Ian - our dance coach - at a dance studio in venice 3 nights a week to rehearse the dance routines. It was grueling. I was a very accomplished tap dancer at that age and it was still rough for me. Ian had us doing routines over and over again. No matter how good we got something down he'd always tell us what was wrong and how to improve it even more. I loved every minute of it. Dancing was my thing. I was a natural.

I really enjoyed the comradery we all developed. Damon, Bumper and myself had known each over for years from the numerous auditions where we'd seen each other but we weren't friends. It was nice to be able to socialize without worry of an audition or when we'd see each other again. It was really fun.

We had all our strengths and weaknesses that needed to be improved dramatically before our big audition for the producers. We all had the acting thing down for the most part though Bumper was the most accomplished actor of us.

Singing wasn't a problem for Bumper - it was in his family - but the dancing was a chore. He had never tap danced before that occassion.

Damon was the showman - mr personality. His singing was good and dancing was fairly good. He was the most well rounded of the 3.

I was the natural dancer who picked up the routines in less than 5 minutes but singing wasn't my thing. I started taking singing lessons to get my voice together. There was major improvement in 8 months time. You have no idea.

We were all excited as the time neared for us to present our work to the producers. Ian had always kept us abreast of the producers' wishes and their approaching arrival. When the time finally came for their California trip Ian delivered news that the producers had decided to make a change. Instead of only auditioning the 3 of us, they decided to hold an open call. We, our parents included, were all stunned by the news but we took it in stride perhaps believing we all had the inside track. I assumed the audition was just a formality and they were holding the audition to make themselves look good; like they really scoured LA for a new talent.

The audition came around and I was nervous as I don't know what. My singing had improved but I still wasn't comfortable. At the audition they had me sing "happy birthday." I am pretty sure I sang it in tune. You'd be surprised how difficult it is to sing that song acapella with 15 white people sitting in chairs behind a table staring at you like they're unimpressed. The music director then had me sing notes of the keys he plucked to get idea of my range and how well I could sing what I heard. Next I tap danced for them. I did something fairly basic. Of course that went off without a hitch. Ian was at the audition and he made them aware that I was one of the '3.' Ian then had me do bits and pieces of the more complex dance routines he had taught us from the show. They applauded once I was finished and told me it was a job well done. Ian gave me a wink to let me know I had done a good job.

I left that audition feeling good. My mom had watched the audition and she felt good about it too. She told me a few things I could have done differently but neither of us were worried.

A few days later, my mom received word from Ian that I was no longer in the running for the role. The producers had determined that I 'looked' too old for the part. I've always looked younger than my actual age so that was a lie. However, I was devastated. There'd be no more rehearsing, no hanging with Bumper and Damon and no more dreaming about performing on Broadway.

I bounced back from that fairly well. I was still taking dance lessons at my dance school as time permitted while training for the Ta.p D.ance Ki.d. I jumped right back in there and started getting ready for the annual recital.

A year or two later I got a call to audition for the movie Ta.p. As you all know, they were looking for a kid that could hang with the old time hoofers and act a little bit. I audition for film's producers while they were in LA. First I read the sides (script). They didn't have any changes for me so they asked me if I could dance for them. I slid out of my casual shoes and slid into my tap shoes. I then proceeded to put on a 1 minute tapping clinic for them. They were obviously very shocked and impressed 'oo-ing and aw-ing.' I don't think many kids had auditioned at that point who could really dance. Some guy got up and taught me a quick little routine. I spit that back out them like that was nothing. They thanked me for coming in (standard casting agent jargon) and told me 'good job.'

Of course, as you all know, S Glover got the role. I was devastated again. How could I not get that part? From what I am told he was hand picked by someone in the cast for the part but that didn't lessen the blow for me. I determined from the day on that it didn't pay off for me to dance. I vowed never to audition for anything again that had anything to do with dancing. Moreover, I quit dancing all together shortly thereafter. I couldn't take anymore major let downs like that.

From about age 12 - 18 I never tapped again and had no plans to ever dance again in life. However, after my mom's death my old dance teacher was dead set on paying tribute to her at that year's dance recital. My mom had touched a lot of lives at my former dance school especically my old instructor. Anyway, she asked me and 2 other dancers - Carla and Roxanne- to team up as a trio like we had as kids to perform a tribute in honor of my mom. It was great. We performed to Manh.att.an Tran.sfer's This Cat is High. It brought back lots and lots of memories. The 3 of us appeared on the very first Jr. Sta.r Sea.rch performing a routine together to that song.

I realize now what a gift it was to be able to do the things I could do with my feet. I was born to dance. Sadly, those experiences made me lose the joy I had for dancing and that joy never retuned it seems. I am older and wiser now and I regret hanging up my dancing shoes but for the longest time when I would think about tap dancing I could only recall the stuff that didn't go the way I so desperately wanted; and the word 'dance' was a like a cuss word. I'd pretty much castrate you if you brought up the subject of dance or mentioned what a great dancer I was.

If I ever have kids I will never let them completely stop doing something they have obvious natural ability. My mom never knew I didn't want to dance anymore because of the let downs so I don't blame her for anything. We had so many things going on that I was able to get away from dancing because of time constraints but I never shoulda stopped dancing.