Trip The Wedding

Friend, Yummy and I take our seats while brother bastard is singing his little heart out with his eyes closed and all...Bless his heart. I immediately take a look the wedding program to see how much of the ceremony we had missed. Fortunately, we had only missed the welcome by Ms CStarr - the unofficial wedding mc lol - and a portion of brother bastard's song.

The ceremony was enjoyable. Faith's father - the Reverend Doctor himself - conducted the ceremony. People that man can talk...and talk...and talk. And he's one of those types that only says 2 to 3 words at a time to punctuate everything he says, I am guessing. According to Friend ('cause I missed it), the Rev Doc looked rather weepy as he and his wife helped walked Faith down the aisle. I so wish you guys coulda seen the look on Spiritual's face when they first opened the sanctuary doors to reveal his bride. Friend and I tried to capture it on camera but were unsuccessful. He looked like he was trying so hard not to breakdown and cry even though he had this big grin on his face. LOL! It was hilarious....and heartwarming.

Ok, so they announce that we must remain seated until after the bride has passed our respective pews. To this point Yummy's behavior was under control. After we all stood then took our seats again your friend Yummy started gearing up to put on a show. Friend excused herself from the sanctuary because she didn't want Yummy to disturb the proceedings and ended up missing the cermony.

Like I said earlier the ceremony was nice and rather enjoyable. I don't recall anything being out of order; nor do I remember anything outstanding happening. My only gripe would be that Spiritual and Faith had their former singles ministry leaders read an entire chapter from the Song of Solomon. And I just wanted to know where's the damn sandman when you need him? Their hurky jerky style of reading or recitation, if you can call it that, was utterly dull. I think everybody went to sleep for the 5-10 minutes it took them to do their portion of the program.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I do remember something rather entertaining happening during the ceremony that had the church laughing. For whatever reason, lots of people look forward to "the kiss" at weddings, right? Ha! So there the attendees are all smiles and giggles waiting in an anticipation for the "the kiss." In Spiritual's true prudish fashion he laid a kiss on his bride that was as passionate as a kiss you give to grandma. Everybody started laughing. I heard "that's it" ringing through the sanctuary as well as "that's Spiritual for you." That peck, yes people it was a dry ass lip to lip peck, was so quick and passionless I doubt anybody was able to capture it on camera.

*In fairness, I will admit that Spiritual redeemed himself at the reception. Spiritual & Faith's kisses got rather wet and sloppy by the end of the reception. Get a room already!

After the ceremony I go looking for Friend to find out why she never returned. She tells me that Yummy always acts a fool whenever she takes her places. Friend can't understand why Yummy is well-behaved when she's with other people and but not with her. She thought it best that she remain outside because of the impending tantrum. Why do parents act clueless to the reasosns their children are misbehaved?

So as Friend and I are conversing and I am filling her in on the missed details of the ceremony I hear a woman calling out to me trying to get my attention.

Eva. Shaw: ERIC!!!

I continue conversing with Friend as Evangelist Shaw continues to walk closer and closer to us while staring me down.

Eva. Shaw: Eric! Eric!

I finally break off my chat

Me: umm...my name's not eric
Eva. Shaw: are you sure? you're joking aren't you?
Me: Yes, I am sure. My name is not Eric. I'm Shawn
Eva. Shaw: Oh my god. You look and sound just like Eric. He and I used to sing together. I really thought you were him. I haven't seen him in a long time but I knew just knew you were him.
Me: Oh...ok
Eva. Shaw: I have to ask Faith to show you a picture of Eric. You guys really do lookalike.

I give her that raised eyebrow- yea, ok, whatever-I'm trying to appear nice-but why are you talking to me nutjob-I don't look like no damn body but myself-closed mouth grin hoping she would disengage. Unfortunately, she didn't. She paused for a minute then giggles and smiles

Eva. Shaw: I know you probably think I sound crazy.
Me: As a matter of fact I DO think you sound crazy

I smile. She stops smiling.

Eva. Shaw: it was nice meeting you
Me: you too

*Friend later said I was mean to Eva Shaw. I disagreed. I pointed out to Friend that Shaw said she was crazy first and I just agreed. And Shaw's accessment was correct: I did indeed think she was crazy.

Friend decides she's going to her car for awhile before she enters the reception because Yummy needs a nap.

Friend: Can you carry her to the car?
Me: why?
Friend: Because I have on heels and that's an extra 25 lbs to carry

Without saying a word 'cause y'all know I am irritated at this moment I take Yummy from Friend to make my move to the car. Yummy instantly starts kicking and screaming.

Friend: oh, that's ok. I'll take her
Me: No, she gon' be fine.

I march as fast as I can to Friend's car and deposit little miss bad ass into her car seat then return to the church for the reception.

To Be Continued